Thursday, September 10, 2009

20 Surefire Relationship Wreckers

1. Always end arguments by turning some deeply private secret he's confided to you... against him. Then add, "Screw you, you slobbering half-wit!"
2. Beg him to read your journal.
3. You know you shouldn't call him too much, so say to yourself, "I'm an adult. He's an adult. I refuse to play stupid games."
4. Call him repeatedly.
5. If he doesn't call back, email him. If he doesn't return your email, fax him a funny little joke. If he still doesn't call, drop by his office and surprise him with a "cute" card. If he's not at his office, drive to his house, wait for him at his front door and, when he arrives, tell him he can do anything he wants with you.
6. Ask him once a week, "So, where do we stand?"
7. Or, if you prefer a more dramatic scrotum-tightener, ask, "So where do we stand as a couple?" 8. Rarely wear high heels to bed.
9. Be the first woman in recorded history to actually tell a man exactly how many chaps she's slept with.
10. Fixate on the future. Focus on his taking you to the Bahamas for Valentine's Day
11. Always cry after sex.
12. Criticize his mother.
13. Do you own a pair of baggy maroon sweatpants? Wear them.
14. Is he feeling a tad overwhelmed by the serious turn your affair is taking? Surprise him with loads of expensive gifts for no reason.
15. Nag. Nag. Nag. Nag. Nag.
16. Giggle at his receding hairline.
17. Tell him oral sex makes you gag. Except when he does it.
18. Don't let him miss you (i.e., spend every blessed moment with/near/on/under/over him ‑- particularly those blessed moments when you feel bloated and paranoid).
19. Never have your wallet with you.
20. Let him know that every day is Judgment Day as far as you and he are concerned and that you'd rather be right than happy

1 comment:

Cee @ Present Company Included said...

eeeeee! Those are all crazy girl signs!